These days we see many psychologist and mindfulness coaches using this phrase, ‘fight or flight’ mode/response. So, what is this “Fight or Flight” to my understanding it is our bodies instant automatic responses to either confront or escape perceived threats. This mental state is a part of our DNA system, which developed to aid our ancestors in avoiding danger, it is ingrained in human survival instincts. But if living in a permanent state of “fight or flight” it can have negative impacts, on all aspects of our lives health, relationships and career. When anxiety and fear control our responses, it can skew how we see and handle emotional difficulties, trapping us in a vicious loop of retreating and becoming defensive.

As I have struggled myself for a long time understanding my own response system that has impacted my life at large, today, I can openly share, how it feels to be trapped in this state and how breaking free from it is a constant war with oneself.

Scientifically , when we sense a threat, our brain, specifically the amygdala, triggers the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones increase our heart rate, sharpen our senses, and divert energy to muscles, preparing us to either fight the danger or run from it. This reaction is crucial when we are in life threatening situations, so with me this reaction started when I went through a life-threatening situation in my 20’s in a relationship, where I was to chose between life and relationship. But then it became a vicious circle of chronic stress, anxiety, depression, trust issues, attracting similar partners who make me suffer, hopelessness, damaged self-worth & self-esteem.

This one episode replayed in every aspect of my life ,the constant fear, stress, and emotional abuse that I experienced resulted in flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance and insomnia. I suffered from major identity crisis which impacted my decision making and it looped in attracting further abuse in almost every relationship I had. This damage never let me take the decision of getting married and feel safe in company of any man with whom I was in relationship.

The men who really wanted to love me and be with me, mostly felt confused, especially as they never discussed what is triggering my these responses, and in just few months they used to either try to control me, change me or walk away from me. I don’t blame them, the damage wasn’t created by them in the beginning but it accumulated. They always felt like constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of what will set off the next argument or shutdown. The best defense I took was either shout, yell create issues out of non-issues and then ghost them or break-up before they could.

Why relationships didn’t work? By now you can understand that being in relationship with me wasn’t easy for any normal guy, and thus I attracted all kind of guys who were with below mentioned personalities:

1. Emotionally Unavailable : A man who dominates and control every aspect of the relationship, it leads to a toxic dynamic where she feels trapped but too fearful to leave.
2. Controlling Personality : A man who avoids deep emotional connections
3. The Narcissist : A man who is hungry for power, attention, and control, as he enjoys being the center of her emotional world.
4. The Codependent Enabler : A man who thrives on “fixing” or rescuing his partner
5. The Aggressor : This man often uses anger, intimidation, or aggression to assert dominance in a relationship
6. The Avoidant Personality : This man creates a toxic pattern where she chases after him for connection, and he pulls away, reinforcing her anxiety and emotional fragility.
7. The Victim Complex Man : He thrives on guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, which further feeds her anxiety.
8. The Gaslighter : A man who manipulates his partner into questioning her own reality, making her feel confused, anxious, and unstable.
9. The Drama Seeker : He enjoys the ups and downs, the arguments, and the intensity, even if it’s destructive.
10. The Passive-Aggressive Man : A man who avoids direct confrontation but expresses his frustrations through subtle digs, sarcasm, or withholding affection.

Now the men reading this article will be thinking, so what’s wrong in having any of these personalities? I agree that’s there is nothing wrong in any of these personalities, but with my triggers and trauma it made me fail again and again.

Will it ever work? So, after struggling for years I can say that in a relationship, it can be difficult for both parties to live with someone who is always in “fight or flight” mode. I as a women describe it as a draining mental state brought on by ingrained worries and fears. It can be perplexing, annoying, and perhaps overpowering for the men. However, if both parties are dedicated to understanding one another and overcoming obstacles together, partnerships can still prosper.

Patience, empathy, and effective communication are essential. Men are more inclined to handle these difficulties with compassion if they recognize that their partner’s actions are primarily the result of emotional triggers rather than a reflection of their relationship. In order to assist a woman in transitioning from the “fight or flight” response to a healthier emotional state, it is crucial to encourage her therapy, offer emotional support, and create a secure environment for vulnerability.

In the end, relationships are about evolution and comprehension, and it takes both self-awareness and reciprocal support to escape the never-ending cycle of defensiveness and fear.

I hope that my journey serves as a reminder to both men and women, here I have tried to share things from a women’s perspective, but this also holds true for men who are in ‘fight or flight’ mode. With my current relationship helping me thrive to all life’s ups and down, I can affirmatively say that we are not doomed to repeat the patterns of our past. With courage, self-awareness, and support, it is possible to step out of survival mode and into a place of safety, love, and trust.