“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”
— Robert Brault

I have never shared this in past at any forum with such openness, but today as I accept myself and I give away the fear of being vulnerable I would share my story of journey beyond resentment.

I stepped in mid 20’s with a tag of divorced and extreme mental ill-health issues, I used to work 24 by 7 and nonstop for days, I was normal from outside till the door was shut and I was inside my room. I had the feeling of resentment and anger so much inside me that I could survive without eating food for almost a week only on water and few days without water even. No one noticed that , no one was their to even see that, what people saw was a smiling and nonstop working human being around them.

In office people thought she is extremely ambitious, she only cares about proving herself better than others, she is self-obsessed, she is power hungry, she is a terminator, she is attention seeker, she is arrogant, she has to work that much, maybe she’s not as efficient or skilled as she thinks…. and many more. On the other hand I was just surviving, hanging by the thread of a job that was keeping me alive. I actually never wanted to work or do a job, till date also after 20 years I have no-ambition.

I got married to the first love of my life, and my dreams started shattering as the marriage day and rituals started. I was a girl who always believed in fairy tales and prince charming and I felt I have got one, when he got down on one knee and proposed to me, I was the first ones in college to get married, it was a mix-bag of feelings. It all shattered as my ex-husband couldn’t tell the truth, and he had a habit of lying, lying at smallest of the things which were irrelevant, but that was a habit. A habit that not only made the relationship sour and painful, but a habit that made me suffer for decades. Before I could understand what was happening inside me or outside me, I was divorced. Life moves really fast, believe me, it never holds on for anyone.

I recently understood the reason , why I had carried a silent, simmering resentment toward people who lied for no real reason. It wasn’t the big, dramatic betrayals that gnawed at my soul, but the small, persistent untruths—the little lies people told to make themselves feel better or to avoid a brief discomfort.

Root cause why I just couldn’t get married again or I choose to live alone as my heart sinks each time I see people I love and care for lying to me for unrequired reasons. I can’t even count of how many relationships I have lost because of these lies. It had started with friends, then family members, and, over time, the cycle repeated with romantic partners. The path was almost predictable: I would let people into my heart, sometimes believing they were my most cherished companions. And then, slowly, the cracks would appear. A lie here, a lie there—small, seemingly harmless—but each one like a grain of sand in my shoe, until the irritation became impossible to ignore.

At times, I wonder if I had been too rigid, too unforgiving to my ownself. After all, no one was perfect, and everyone had moments of fear or insecurity. So, then I started looking inside myself, rather just looking why people have been lying to me. The answer was simple I accepted their lies because I wanted to be with them. I pretended to accept the way they were, but deep down I was not okay with it and I never confronted it. As I feared that confrontation will lead to loneliness and abandonment.

So, though I have a basic instinct to understand a lie but I myself didn’t had a courage to confront it. Which makes me a liar to my ownself and to others too.

The day I understood this, my lens to see people around me changed so dramatically, I learnt to set boundaries, I learnt to say “No”. I learnt to “Forgive, even though it was never said”. I recognized that each soul was on its unique journey, grappling with its own fears and insecurities. I accepted that life was not about collecting relationships but about embodying love in all forms.

This journey of mine started with my ex-husband coming in my life at 19 and it made me evolve with him leaving this world to heavenly adobe at 42nd year of my life. My life has taught me very deeply that uncertainties and insecurities can be talked through with clear communication, and rather killing a relationship with lies, we should gather the courage to talk to the one’s who are important to us and we love, rather letting them overthink and spoil the beauty of gifted life to us.

“Yes : Their is life Beyond Resentment : It’s Beautiful”

Note: Hoʻoponopono helped me a lot in this process of healing. Special thanks to Varsha my mindfulness coach.